


rest your head, cry your tears

by lovecamedown



Series: i'm where i'm meant to be [3]
Category: Captain America (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Anal Fingering, Bucky Barnes Feels, Bucky Barnes Recovering, Crying During Sex, Emotional Sex, Failed Sex, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Panic Attacks, They love each other so much, so much love here
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-07
Updated: 2018-05-07
Packaged: 2019-05-03 17:07:07
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,933
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14573595
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lovecamedown/pseuds/lovecamedown
Summary: bucky thinks this is gonna be a night he can enjoy intimacy without his anxiety getting in the way.unfortunately, it's never really that simple.//or the one where steve fingers bucky but bucky has a panic attack, and they have to stop, and steve comforts him through it. just like always.





	rest your head, cry your tears

**Author's Note:**

> hi!!! this has been sitting in my drafts for ages and i'm not 100% sure i'm happy with it. but. here we are.  
> this is part of my 'where i'm meant to be' verse, but you shouldn't need to read any of the fics prior to this one to understand it - all you need to know is that bucky's struggled with intimacy/sex since returning to steve, due to his anxiety and such.

Bucky lifts Steve's hand up between them and gently pushes down all fingers but Steve's middle and index. He kisses the two fingertips and raises his eyebrows at Steve, hoping it's suggestive enough in their current position: Bucky in Steve's lap, sitting in the middle of their bed, having been kissing and slowly shedding almost all their clothes - save from Bucky's boxers - for the past half hour. 

"You wanna...?" Bucky asks, gesturing to Steve's two fingers. 

Steve licks his lips. Searches Bucky's eyes. "You sure?" 

"If you want to." 

He nods and leans in to press a soft, tender kiss to Bucky's lips. "I always want to, Buck."

Bucky laughs a little through his nose and leans his forehead against Steve's for a moment before shifting to pull off his own underwear and reposition himself on Steve's lap. 

Steve reaches over as best he can without jostling Bucky too much, reaching in to the nightstand, one hand on Bucky's hips to steady him as he opens a drawer and pulls out a bottle of lube and a couple towels they always keep nearby during anything sexy. 

Bucky sighs contentedly, waiting with hooded, relaxed eyes while Steve carefully coats his fingers in lube, occasionally glancing up at Bucky to give him a little smile. 

Five minutes later and Steve's finger is inside him, stretching him out a little, getting him used to it. Bucky's come so far recently with sex; he still panics and struggles with a few things, and of course they don't do anything he's not ready for or that he doesn't enjoy; but they've tried _this_ a few times now, and most of the time, Bucky's been able to handle Steve's fingers like this. He's _enjoyed_ it. And Steve loves nothing more than to make him feel good; to help him relax like this. Steve feels honoured and like the luckiest guy in the world that he is the one Bucky trusts enough with all of him in this way. 

It's not perfect, but they're getting there, and the way Bucky sighs against his shoulder now is music to Steve's ears. (And crotch area, honestly). All he ever wants is for Bucky to be happy and comfortable. 

"You feel good, Buck," Steve murmurs in to the shell of Bucky's ear, pressing a feather-light kiss there and feeling Bucky shiver. "So good. Mm, the way you move against me...,"

"Steve," Bucky rasps out, bringing his hand up to Steve's other shoulder and holding on tight. He pulls his head back from Steve a little and hangs it low, trying to find a slow, gentle rhythm against Steve's carefully moving finger. Steve keeps his pace steady while Bucky gets comfortable, smiling as he sighs and tips his head back, eyes closed in pleasure and nails digging unintentionally in to Steve's skin. 

"Steve," he says again, and Steve takes the opportunity of his head being tipped back to lean in and suck open-mouthed kisses against his beautiful, inviting neck. "I'm ready for another," Bucky's breath catches in his throat as Steve's lips trail a line up from his throat to his jaw. "Love you so much," he whispers, and Steve's heart beats just a little faster. 

"I love you too, Buck," he says, then gives a little twist of his hand and gently pushes in another finger. He goes in just a little deeper, and Bucky gasps, both hands on either of Steve's shoulders now, nails digging in. Steve is totally hard underneath him and they brush together as they move; bare skin against bare skin, Steve's cock pulsing enthusiastically, constantly feeling Bucky's do the same. 

"You're just so beautiful," Steve whispers against the skin of Bucky's clavicle. "And you're doing so good. So good, Buck." 

"Mm," Bucky murmurs, voice rough but laced with ecstasy. "You _feel_ so good."

"Yeah? You like that?"

"So good, Steve. So good inside me." 

"Mm," Steve hums, half laughter and half in agreement. "Love you."

Bucky responds by letting his head hang forward again, his eyes closed and mouth hanging open just a little. Steve feels himself somehow getting even harder at the sight of it - at the sight of Bucky, his Bucky, here in front of him, all skin and pleasure and hot heat against his fingers. Some strands of his hair fall down in front of his face and Steve reaches out with his spare hand to tuck them back behind his ear, following his fingers' trail against Bucky's cheek with his lips, whispering words of love against his skin. 

Bucky tightens around his fingers with a particularly deep and long thrust, and Steve feels himself getting closer; feels the pooling heat in the bottom of his belly, feels the tingling of his skin, just from Bucky's cock against his and their hips moving together. He's grinding unhurried and uncoordinated up against Bucky's crotch and they're both breathing heavily.

"Close, Buck," he murmurs, going to twist his fingers a little until he feels Bucky suddenly tense underneath his hand. And then, suddenly, he lets out a noise that sounds less like one of his little moans of pleasure and more like a tiny sob of anguish. 

Steve stops moving immediately, feeling himself panic. The heat in his belly is gone; replaced with worry now, wanting to make whatever bad thing Bucky's feeling just go away. 

"Buck?" He asks when Bucky doesn't say anything. He's gone completely still, not rocking against Steve's hand anymore or pushing his fingers in to Steve's shoulders. "Buck? That not feel good?" 

Bucky takes a deep breath, leaning in to press his forehead against Steve's shoulder. He shakes his head, and says, through clenched teeth, "feels good, I just...,". He draws in another breath, but this one is raspy and shaky, and then he makes another pained noise, clipping it short like he didn't mean for it to come out. 

Steve is suddenly very concerned. _This has happened before_ , he reminds himself, trying to contain the wild beating of his heart. _We've gotten through this before_. 

"Bucky? You want me to pull out?" 

Bucky hesitates for a moment, then nods, ashamed of it. 

"Okay, it's okay," Steve whispers, carefully bringing his fingers out of him and then reaching for one of the towels. He wipes his hands and then reaches for Bucky again. "Hey, come here," he shuffles backwards so he's leaning against the headboard, bringing Bucky with him and wrapping arms around his now trembling frame. 

"Sorry, I--sorry," Bucky shudders, pushing his face further in to Steve and holding on to his shoulder like it's a lifeline. 

"Shh, it's okay, take your time," Steve soothes, running a hand slowly up and down Bucky's spine. He lets Bucky just breathe for a few minutes, hoping the motion of Steve's fingers against his skin will be comfort enough to help him stop panting and shaking. Steve suddenly feels a wave of guilt wash over him; maybe he did something wrong, made things too much..., "hey, was it me? Did I push things too far?" 

Bucky shakes his head rapidly, tightening his grip on Steve's back and moving so his face is pressed against his neck. "No, it--you were perfect," his voice is a little clearer now. "Don't feel guilty. Please."

"Okay," Steve breathes, "okay. I won't, Buck. Take your time. It's okay."

Bucky sighs, seeming to relax just the tiniest amount while Steve traces little circles against his shoulder blades. "I just...suddenly got anxious again. I--I can't explain it. I'm sorry. It was--it was going so good, and then I just...couldn't breathe...I'm sorry," 

"Hey, no," Steve gently takes hold of Bucky's hand and squeezes it softly, trying to meet his eyes. "Don't feel guilty. It's fine, Buck. You know it's fine."

"I just--I knew I didn't want to carry on. That I couldn't enjoy it, even if...even if I wanted to." 

"It's okay, it's okay," Steve kisses his temple and wraps his arms all the way around Bucky's torso, holding him in close but not too tight. "Thank you for telling me to stop. Thank you for being honest. I'm proud of you, baby. You did good."

"I didn't," he argues weakly, "I ruined sex again."

"Don't say that. You know that's not true. It's okay, Buck. You know that." 

Bucky nods. "I know. I just--want you to feel good."

"If you don't feel good, I don't want to feel good either." 

He laughs a little - sadly and weakly, but it's a laugh - and sniffs. "I guess not." 

"Hey, do you wanna talk about your anxiety, or...?" 

Bucky pulls his face out from Steve's neck long enough to meet his eyes. Steve watches as his eyelids suddenly flood with tears, and his bottom lip begins to quiver, and then he blinks and the tears fall fast and hot down his cheeks. 

"Hey, it's okay," Steve wipes away the droplets and strokes gently at his face. "You don't have to talk right now. It's okay."

Bucky sniffs wetly, and Steve pulls him back in to lay Bucky's head against his shoulder, cradling him gently and lovingly. He whispers words of comfort, just holding him, hoping it's enough. Bucky keeps interrupting his strings of weeping with little "I love you"s and tiny, wet kisses pecked against Steve's neck.

 

* * *

 

 

Bucky thinks back to the first time things went so, so well when they tried.

_He’s had a couple little moments where they’ve had to stop and take a breath, but so far, nothing Bucky can’t handle. Steve’s being amazing and gentle and so, so loving. This is the third time they’ve tried, and when Bucky feels pleasure simmering just beneath his skin, and no anxiety with it, he knows this is the night._

_He starts to cry when they finish; nose pressed against Steve’s neck, feeling his warmth all around him, so close, the post-orgasm pleasure settling in. He’s overwhelmed with emotion; for the first time, they’ve managed to get here – both of them finished, satisfied and blissfully in love – and Bucky can’t express the things he feels for Steve. He never has been able to, but it feels especially prominent tonight._

_When Steve realises there are tears on Bucky’s cheeks, he gently pushes back to check on him, a crease between his brow._

_“Buck? You okay?”_

_Bucky nods, a little desperately, needing Steve to know that he is so happy right now and_ that’s _the reason for his tears; nothing else. Nothing bad. “I’m amazing, Steve,” he leans his forehead against Steve’s. His hand is trembling just a little and he hopes it doesn’t make Steve worry even more._

_“Are you sure? You’re shaking, Buck. Was that not okay? Did you not—were you not ready? I—”_

_“Steve,” Bucky breathes out, interrupting him but making up for it by pressing a lazy kiss to Steve’s lips. “I promise you, I am totally fine right now. That was—that was…,” he can’t find the words._

_Steve chuckles breathily, gently nuzzling his nose in to Bucky’s. “Yeah. No words.”_

_He shakes his head. “Nope. None. Except that I love you so much I think it might kill me.”_

_“No, we can’t have that,” Steve’s tone is lightly teasing as he tightens his grip around Bucky’s waist and pulls him in impossibly closer. “Need you here with me, Buck.”_

_“Well, as long as you love me, I think I’ll be okay.”_

_Steve laughs, so softly. It’s a gorgeous sound that has Bucky’s heart racing in his chest. His hands are still shaking, legs where he’s kneeling starting to feel a little wobbly._

_“You sure you’re okay?”_

_“I’m great, babydoll. I’m just—it was overwhelming. In a good way,” he’s quick to add, “but I just think I’m still coming down a little.”_

_Steve slowly tilts his chin forward to meet Bucky’s lips in a soft, tender little kiss. “It’s okay,” he whispers. “I got you.”_

_Bucky smiles, wrapping arms around him again and bringing him in to a hug. “I know.”_

_“Come on, you wanna lie down for a while?”_

_He nods._

_“Alright, come on. You want some water, darling?”_

_“No,” Bucky holds on a little tighter, stopping Steve in his movements as he begins to lie down. “Don’t leave.”_

_“Alright, Buck, I’ll just be a minute. I promise. You gotta hydrate."_

_He comes back less than a minute later with a big glass of water and hands it to Bucky, whose hands are still shaking but not too much that he can't hold it well. He takes a few long gulps - he was more thirsty than he thought - and then hands it back to Steve who drinks some too._

_Then Steve cleans them up a little and settles back beside him and gently pulls him down so they're lying down, bringing a blanket up over their bare skin, pulling Bucky in to his chest._

_"Alright?" Steve asks softly, stroking Bucky's hair and tangling their legs together._

_"Perfect," Bucky sighs, trying to nestle further in to Steve's arms. "You?"_

_"Same."_

_And it is. It's perfect._

 

"Buck?" Steve's voice breaks Bucky out of his thoughts, but he sounds kind of far away, and Bucky begins to realise that Steve has said his name a few times in the past few seconds and his voice is growing increasingly more tense. 

"Hm?" Bucky murmurs distantly, slowly pulling his head out from Steve's neck and blinking up at him. 

"Hey, you with me? You zoned out a little there."

"Yeah, I just--I was just thinking,"

"Thinking," carefully, Steve reaches out to brush the backs of his fingers down Bucky's cheek, making sure Bucky can see his hand at all times. He knows Bucky's anxiety well enough now to know that that helps. 

"Yeah, I just--I want things to be perfect again."

"What d'you mean, Buck?" Steve looks genuinely confused. 

Bucky tries to find words to explain what he means. Because, yeah, what he just said is kind of strange, without context; nothing in their lives has ever been perfect. Not even now in this new life. (Maybe even _especially_ not now.) "I--I just mean--like that first time. When it went smoothly. And then again, the second time, and it was perfect, we were both happy and calm and--""

"Bucky," Steve says softly, shifting his hand so it cups Bucky's cheek. "Shh. It's okay. It doesn't have to be perfect every time, okay? Just being here with you is perfect. Whether we're cuddling, talking, even crying, or doing...other stuff." 

The word _fucking_ is great to Bucky when he's in the right headspace; but when he's feeling anxious like this, it's enough to trigger a panic attack. Maybe it's illogical, but it's real to him, and that's all that matters. Steve knows, and Bucky finds his heart glowing a little because Steve is being so careful with his words. 

"I know," Bucky says, "I know, Steve. It's just...frustrating. I want us to be intimate, I really do. You know I do."

Steve nods gently. "I know. And it's not your fault that sometimes you can't." 

Bucky nods, too, trying to make himself fully believe that. He leans in to Steve again and tucks his face in to his shoulder, forehead pressing against his collarbone and arms around Steve's back. "Love you," he murmurs, "thank you for loving me even when things aren't perfect."

"Buck, I always have loved you when things haven't been perfect. Always have, and always will. Life was far from perfect for us before...," 

"I know, I meant...I meant with sex," 

Steve squeezes him tighter for a moment and presses a kiss to his ear. "I know you did. I love you, Buck. I'm so proud of you for everything."

"You too," Bucky feels tears coming back, but this time it isn't tears of anxiety. 

"Alright, do you wanna lie down, cuddle a bit? Or we can eat, or just talk, or watch something...we can try again, but only if you want. _Only_ if you want, Buck." 

Bucky thinks it over for a moment. Just the thought of anything more intense than kissing right now is enough to make his pulse quicken so he thinks it's probably best to call it a night. He shakes his head and Steve just nods immediately, kissing him reassuringly on the shoulder. 

"You hungry? It's been a while since we ate dinner." 

"What time is it?" Bucky pulls his head away from Steve's shoulder to look up at him. 

Steve glances at the clock. "11pm."

"Jeez, really? We were at it for a while."

Steve smirks softly, brushing some of Bucky's hair back from his face. "Yeah, we were. You did amazing, Buck."

Bucky ducks his head briefly, then looks back up at Steve with a soft but slightly darker look in his eye. "You know, it felt good. It felt _really_ good. You know I didn't want you to stop because I didn't like it, right? It's just because...,"

"I know, Buck. I know." 

"Good. Wouldn't want you to think I didn't enjoy it. It was...well. It was _good_." 

Steve chuckles softly. "It was good for me, too, Buck. Always good to be close to you."

"You're a sap."

"You say that as if you _aren't_."

Bucky laughs, pressing a quick kiss to one of Steve's beautiful cheekbones. "That's true."

"Alright, I propose: food, Netflix, cuddles. Sound good?"

He looks up in to Steve's eyes and smiles, hoping his look conveys the depth behind his next words. "It sounds...perfect." 

"Yeah?"

Bucky nods. "Yeah."

**Author's Note:**

> i'm so sorry if that was awful :')) it's un-beta-ed so i'm sorry if it was a bit rough around the edges. i hope you enjoyed it anyway!! <3  
> Love :* xxx


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